A Walker-Aheader

Somewhere in the middle of its run, I had a Seinfeld script idea. One of the story lines would showcase a person-maybe he dates Elaine, maybe he (and it is a HE) is Jerry’s exercise buddy or maybe it is just George-this person would be a walker-aheader. The person, though technically with you, walks at least 10-50 feet ahead. The person is often much more concerned about the destination and less so about the present, or the person they are walking with. THe walker-aheader is not necessarily insenstive, but really clueless, a rabid individualist, and untrained in the dynamic often called-a pair. Sadly, Seinfeld went the way of history before I had a chance to pen and solidify this cultural phenomenon.

Most of my romantic relationships, that is the ones where: keys were exchanged, toothbrushes left, their food found its way into my fridge, phone calls were daily, hands were held, private and public life fused, and back rubs and back scratches were givens, have been with walker-aheaders, mostly 10-30 feet and sometimes beyond my view.

I must state that I am a fast walker (and talker). In NYC my pace is comparable to most, in Chicago (my hometown) I am at ease, and where I currently reside in Michigan I leave most in the dust. If I do walk slower, it's solely due to my footwear. I am a fashion vs. function kinda girl and thus pending on which artifice I wear, I may move slightly below my natural pace. Additionally, I’m short, or petite, and do have some mild height issues. To compensate, I platform and pump and boot and bump. On most days, I’m a good 5’4”.* (Mild diversion-I saw this 20/20 report where people measured themselves
At night and then when they awoke and every single person was 1/2- 1 1/2 inches taller! In sleep, the spine relaxes and stretches and returns you to your real height. My problem is l don’t’ like to sleep much, but I digress)

So, the men of my life have usually walked ahead of me. Of course, there have been moments where the walking was in step, a unison of sorts, or at least on the same parallel. Moments such as: a birthday walk around the city, a city where I have lived for years but somehow had not seen as of late, a thunderstorm, and a shared umbrella, a beginning of a new life in a new place, and at the cemetery when my dad died-but for the most part the loves of life have walked ahead of me and the consequences have been plentiful and painful.

My most recent love, a love incidentally terminally cut short, was for the most part and in most situations a walker-aheader. This is somewhat ironic as we would both agree that my pace and his pace are at other ends of the spectrum, I, being the superfast, superspeed, breaking the sound-barrier end of the spectrum and he being the Eeyore, slow and thoughtful end of the spectrum. To me it was (is) synergy. To meet in the middle of our paces, speeds was often just arbitrary, a discovery, a possibility waiting to be uncovered.

He walked ahead on our way to dinners, to movies, while crossing the street (he told me recently he found it ridiculous to hold hands while crossing the street because than both of us would be dead in a car came- I just wrote this and still have no clue what he is talking about) to plays, to parties..to everything.

The only time as of recent that I can recall walking ahead of him was when we were in a rainforest in Puerto Rico. We were part of a tour, yet when it came to the path through the rainforest (with a stop at the waterfall) we had no guide just ourselves. About 5 minutes into the path/traile all the couples moved beyond us and we (and rightly so) stopped and slowed to examine and explore the terrain, snapping pictures, looking for birds and trying to figure out what everything was(as were guideless on the trail). Soon though I began to walk ahead, not that I didn’t want to take in and to be, but I was too cognizant that people we don’t know (one on a honeymoon) would be waiting for us. I walked ahead, and he lagged behind, I stopped, and he caught up, I set pace and he moved at his own.

Our last conversation (a couple weeks following the rainforest) he told me he felt we were out-of-sync. I didn’t disagree. I have known this for awhile. Perhaps I thought that it is /was (having trouble with tenses..) something to work on, something that becomes less overt in time. Part of my attraction to him is that his pace is so different from mine. I love being with someone/him who forces me to take pause, hold, and just sit. And we did time and time again, listening to music, watching TV, writing a poem and lying all intertwined. Ironically, though he is able to hold/to pause/to sit he is less able to be present while doing it. Out of sync-and out of time, we swam in the waterfall and followed the end of the trail where the guide and couples all sat waiting.

So, what does the walking ahead say—about us.. about relationships, .. about gender and culture and la la la. It says a lot—it can say submissive, dismissive, permissive, oppressive, suppressive, repressive. But that’s mostly irrelevant. Here’s how it feels. It feels like you are with someone but less important. It feels a little lonely. It is distance that fosters distance.

Mostly, it feels that this time/this moment is not as important as what lies ahead. I just want to be in your presence, but you want to be a little bit ahead. Perhaps this is not intuitive but learned. One /I just know to walk with the person I’m with otherwise I shouldn’t be walking with them. I spend a lot of time alone. I have a definite pace and thus I’m really cognizant of adapting and working with others. Maybe it’s learned – I don’t lack in environmental awareness.. I’m consumed by it; finding meaning through proximity and space and time. For example, someone who is in my ‘front’ space makes me uncomfortable as does the back. But by side.. I feel free..ready to walk with intention or wander with lust.

So, my most recent spark a spark who became a fire, wanted to ‘put us out’. His reasons were rationally irrational from everything to ‘I will hit kids’ (a knock to my non-violent self) to ‘this is the best relationship I have ever been in and you are the best person I have ever met’ and meaning it. And ending with ‘but we have so many differences’. If there is a ‘best’ amid so many differences than to me it is something to cherish and bloom not break.

So, we walked in around my neighborhood, mosquitoes hovering, moving through streets like Charles, and Forest and Twin Towers. But before the final fall, first a joke, then a memory, then offers and counters, and truths and lies as we walked together side by side, a last walk together, but a first one in sync and in time.