Harm Reduction & Some Firsts

I just spent the weekend with a good friend of mine from college. Her most recent job/opportunity is to educate young people about health and related issues and subjects. Like many prevention educators, her approach is not one of absolutism. She does not say that one should live a certain way, and instead provides them with alternate (healthier) ways to live and thrive. She calls such an approach harm reduction.

So, I’ve been hanging with this Spark. And this hang, this togetherness has an easy-with-Sunday-morning feel, you know—time to read the whole paper, no rush to the next event, to the next moment, the next movement, the falling of streams of sunlight; warmth wrapped up in sandalwood style.

In past ‘hangs, relationships and the like’ comfort was desired but rarely achieved. Safety was solicited but rarely purchased. The harm that such prior interaction/relations caused me was immense. Just mix a bunch of betrayal, indifference, fundamentalist crap, lack of vision, and perpetual judgment – and you’ll get me.. a lost soul. Or a soul who is lost. Or sadly, a ride on the Soultrain---passed its prime, and only available in syndication. I think I am back, ot maybe I have finally arrived. But, still like De La Soul, I'm Treading Water.. a little unsure.. on edge. My drive to define has taken a back seat. I’m enjoying the ride. Did I mention my neck is stiff? A little achy? Inertia, perhaps.

So Spark, perhaps unknowingly has reduced some fears, and thus reduced harm by simply practicing the following:

Phone calls—confirming, affirming or postponing a rendezvous, a night out etc. This may seem obvious.. but this act is very challenging to many. Perhaps it’s a day-time minute issue, but more than likely it’s lack of care.. consideration. I think it’s just part the American Ethnocentric Disease. Focus on me and it will trickle down to everyone else. Spark is simply kind. This ‘desire’ may be the result of some nature/nurture circumstance. My mother just wants ‘the call’.
“ I don’t care what you are doing (right..) Just call.” she would cry. Following some police possies appearing at my house or apt, late night rides to see if I was of the living and not dead on the side of the road – I now call.

Honest/Forthrightness-always. Obvious, but for many difficult to produce. Even if Spark doesn’t know how he feels he owns that he doesn’t know.

Acceptance- the body.. the brain .. the cats..? maybe. My vegetarianism – to the point he wants to share dishes and orders the vegetarian entrée so we can share…it’s taking me a little time to get this and I’m a little overwhelmed. The sharing of food, of sustenance. love it. He gives little judgment or criticism and even if there is .I most likely listen as any such verbiage would be have been given great thought—being checked when the checker is sincere, steadfast—cool.

PDA/Hand Holding – I’m touchy. I don’t even know I’m touching or touchy most of the time.. except when pointed out or I sense a ‘stalk on the horizon.. Spark is not into the PDA and hand-holding, and I respect it-though I have not been able to quell the public touch with much ease. Mostly, I just end up touching myself, which is perhaps his intent anyway. However, in the silence, in the night, in the spaces in between –there is much touch/affection - and thus any public display becomes a lot less necessary. Yet, I do think it’s important to be true, to be - in all spaces, in all walks and worlds.

Okay—my firsts

So, when Spark spends the night.. I close my bedroom thus closing out the cats. This is beyond a first. As many of you know .. I have moved residences several times (so the cats could have a better quality of life), didn’t vacation for very long as I don’t want to think that I have abandoned them, and pawned all my gold jewelry years ago to help their friends .. etc etc. Here’s the DL – want to be w/ him. Simple. the sacrifice.

Didn’t think I liked Bjork. This is due in great part to the Stella McCartney Swan Scarf and perhaps my lack of feel for Icelandic sound. Spark is a big fan. On a CD he made me for by my birthday day-he put a song of hers on from her days with the Sugarcubes. A lyric in the song goes like this, ‘This wasn’t suppose to happen, I’ve been hit with your charm, how could you do this to me, I’m in love again.’ She cool.

Lack of Idiosyncrasy. I’m not very judgmental, critical maybe of certain theatre or teaching, things that I myself am a player in, but of most things.. people, their ways ..I’m just not. So, not finding something to judge about someone is not unusual –what is unusual is that with Spark— I notice no flaws, no Seinfeld-like idiosyncratics (i..e. close talker, walker-a-header..). Of course there are flaws and imperfections – socially influenced –but I don’t recognize them as such. They just are him.. nail biting ‘n all.

There is much to like.. love about this spark.. his fitted shirts of a green, gray or lavender hue, his strong hands, (I don’t even think I’ve noticed someone’s hands before), the way he sits or slumps slightly, his shyness in new places or new people, the way he puts his glasses on when he walks but not when he sits, his sense of openness, his naiveté and his security with it, his desire for anything new and novel, the way he talks about his family both blood and beyond, his color-coded musical library, his pop-cultural (mostly Simpson) references, the primal-side, his vast network of friends-their stories, their histories,, his swoon-over smile, his serenity..

Sigh..I’m sunk. Swimming in sap. And I didn’t even see it coming. I haven’t even turned the TV on in weeks. Am shaving everyday. And inside.. there is a little tug; reminding me of all the past pain, and the possibility that this spark may just be a fire. Breathe.